Added: Amer Cardwell - Date: 27.12.2021 17:49 - Views: 34129 - Clicks: 4815
I sat next to my best friend on her queen-sized, bed, surrounded by a mass of pillows doing what best friends do best: heart to hearts. Her words stuck. My best guy friend. A guy who in the course of our three-year friendship I realized I was in love with. We laid out the details like a deck of cards. What had gone wrong. Mistakes made on both sides. The scars it had left. What I learned from it. How I was planning to let go and move on. I had done the unthinkable. I had written an emotional note to David ending the friendship. To top it off, I sent a text. The emotional, disgruntled note came later when I felt the need to explain my text.
A note, might I add, that was written while I was slightly tipsy. Something I highly warn against: drunken notes, texts, smoke als, or really communication of any kind. Rewind to when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend.
After three years of a great friendship — of long phone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me — I realized I was in love, and it scared the crap out of me. What scared me was that I knew.
I knew how I felt. I knew what he meant to me. Yes, you read that correctly. It took me three years to realize I was in love with someone. So yes, a really long time. I sat on my newfound knowledge of my feelings for a month, hoping I could will them away. So what did I do?
I hard-core stuffed those emotions, deep, deep down in a dark tunnel that no one could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. I slept to avoid emotions. I shopped to avoid emotions. And guess what? The feelings were still there. In the midst of my attempt to avoid reality, a friend gave me some words of wisdom. She told me that perhaps the first step is to acknowledge what it was. I had been running, stuffing, and avoiding for so long that coming to terms with how I felt seemed impossible.
As we sat, talked, and sipped coffee, my heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding captive: I was in love with him. One crisp, clear L. With shaky hands and a trembling voice, I said the words that I had been trying so hard to bury: I have feelings for you. Fast forward to present day: the love that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited. It was my biggest fear coming true in real time.
Falling in love with someone only for it not to be reciprocated. I felt embarrassed; I felt confused; I felt exposed; I felt stupid; I was hurt. The phone calls stopped. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. We saw each other once more in when we both were home. I thought I could be his friend again, but my heart was still hurting. So when I got back to L. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. When I got back to L. Guess, what? While awfully uncomfortable, I am still here. To be honest, it was relieving to just be honest. It was like releasing pressure from a balloon.
Once it was pierced, it all just came out. I fell in love with someone and that love was not reciprocated. Oh, most certainly it hurts like all hell, but if it was love, of course the loss of it is going to hurt. I miss our friendship the most. Yet, when I find myself on the train of thought headed to the past for too long, I kindly take my ticket and head to the exit door.
I know now that I am enough, with or without this person. I am enough, just as I am: imperfect, beautiful me. I am finding that part of being an adult and an overall emotionally healthy human being means allowing yourself to be real and vulnerable. While there are a lot of things I would go back and do differently, I am proud of myself for having the courage to be vulnerable. I am proud of myself for voicing my feelings. I only wish I would have had that conversation in person and not sent a text.
It deserved more care and so did he. Yet, I can show myself grace because I had some growing to do, as we are all in process, imperfect human beings. In , I was a hot mess in more ways than one. I grew to be more confident in my talents and gifts.
I came to get to know and actually like the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror. I learned to say no, to set boundaries with other people, and to make self-care a priority. In , I hope to only go up from here. Source: Trinette Reed Stocksy. Log In Good to see you again.Just a friend for now
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How to be human: am I in love with my friend?